That’s a half-sarcastic “sad trombone,” by the way.
So, as y’all have probably noticed, my posting has been sporadic for a while (or not as constant as I’d like, and I’m woefully behind on posting about stuff I need/want to post about, or making videos for the Makeup Heroes YT channel), and I’m EVEN MORE woefully behind on reading and commenting on y’all’s blogs. Which is a goddamn shame and inexcusable. Y’all are amazing, amazing people, and I love getting to peek in on your lives and what you’re up to, and I really miss keeping up-to-date with that.
My excuse has been that I’ve been “so busy.” That’s not true, and I had a moment of clarity tonight where I realized (after it slapped me in the fucking face) that I am pretty severely depressed right now, and have been depressed for a long while, and it’s just been growing and growing and getting worse, while I tried not to admit it to myself, or to ascribe it to other things. (“Oh, I’ve just been sick, that’s why I’m sleeping so much.” “Oh, I’m just super busy and stressed, and that’s why I haven’t managed to quit smoking, or to take better care of myself.” Stuff like that. Which is not entirely untrue – it’s just that the bigger truth is: depression. Depression ramps up my anxiety, unsurprisingly, which ramps up my illness frequency, exacerbates my dependence on smoking, decreases my will to do even *fun* stuff when I have plenty of time – I just end up sitting around and doing not much of anything, and I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to realize what THAT meant.) I’m not better yet – part of why I seem so clear-sighted and clear-headed right now is that, actually, I’m compartmentalizing. Which is a very bad sign. Because, thanks to therapy, my ability to compartmentalize is greatly diminished from what it was back when I first entered therapy – but it means that if I manage to do it, I’m in full-on crisis. So, that’s where I am. Not better yet, because I’m compartmentalizing, not actually out of the crisis/depression yet, but at least I can see a little more clearly what’s been going on, and work to fix it. Which is exactly what I’m doing. No real cause for alarm, for anyone who might be prone to worry about things like I am. (I am not in the least suicidal, and have very strong, fundamental beliefs about suicide and why it will never be an option for me.) I’m still in a bad place, but the compartmentalization is giving me a respite (that I will use gladly, flawed coping mechanism that it might be) in which to do everything I need to do to get back to “fucking awesome.” To quote a character from Patricia Briggs, “Alright, I’m not fine, but I will be.” And I *will* be.