A little over two years ago, someone burgled our house at the end of May, taking our laptop and my camera. (We eventually got the camera back.) Then they came back that Fourth of July weekend, cut through the screen in the screen door, and tried to break in – while I was at home alone. It was pretty hellish for the next several months to a year, maybe? I was a mess, really fucked up over it. And I got super depressed. SUPER depressed. Like I’ve never been depressed before – so bad that I couldn’t tell myself it was reasonable and episodic and due to the break-ins and it would end, but instead I was losing sight of the very real fact that I am not normally depressed, that this was not my normal state of mind, of being, and that I could actually come out the other side of it. So bad that I went to my doctor to ask for help, because I could not eat at all, could not sleep at all, and was starting to slide into suicidal-ideation territory. Yeah, that bad.
The meds helped quite a bit. Getting back into therapy helped. And Greg helped even more – he helped IMMENSELY. He needs a medal – he’s seriously the only reason I came through that period without needing to be hospitalized. He’s a champ, that one.
Last June-July, judging from my memory and my blogging, didn’t really blip for me. I found tribal bellydance, and started taking classes. I had long hair, at long last, and in fun colors. (And here I am, right back at growing my hair out. You’d think I’d learn. 😉 )This May-July, my anxiety has been getting worse, particularly up to the Fourth – anniversaries are powerful things, I guess. But we’re upping my anxiety meds, and I made it past the Fourth, and I feel safe in my house, and it’s all good, nothing at all like two years ago.
But I was listening to a song today – a song that I’ve been playing on repeat regularly since I first heard it – and realized that two years ago, this song would have killed me, that I would have interpreted it more as a song of hopelessness and been reduced to tears. And when I listen to it now, it just makes me feel so happy and hopeful. I wanted to slap it up here to, ahem, buy myself some time since I’m trying to make some decisions about how to blog the Vampire game proceedings (which is coming, but on it’s own space so you don’t have to read it unless you want to) – but then I realized what a strikingly different place I’m in now, that I can listen to this song and feel happy and light and hopeful. Two years ago, I was reading Watchmen for the first time and feeling so bleak about humanity; and watching shit on the news about Russia invading Georgia and wondering when we would ever learn to make peace, and when the world would stop being such a dark place; and I would be getting groceries in Harris Teeter and a certain song would come on over the PA, and I would just break down and cry, right there in the aisle, so badly depressed and shaky that all my anxiety and social phobia related to crying in public didn’t stop me, I was so far beyond caring about *that* shit.
Anyways. I’m so happy to be here, now. I can’t ever thank the people who helped me through that time enough, but I can try, so, thank you, Greg, especially. Thank you to all the friends who helped both of us, but especially me, who knew when to talk, and knew when to wisely ignore that I was tearing up, because I’d be embarrassed if it was observed. To all the friends who helped us move out of our house, into the apartment, and also out of the apartment, and back into the house. Especially Tiffianna, who was a cleaning demon, and on a horribly stormy night when the power went out, and helped us get the house ready to put on the market. Thank you to the therapists (even that one shitty one) and doctors, and the meds. Thank you to Skeeter and Chalupa. (Pets will save your goddamn life, but that’s a whole ‘nother post.) Thank you to work for being flexible and letting me take time off when I needed it, and for somehow making me feel supported without feeling embarrassed by being so obviously “in a bad place.” Thank you to everything, basically. Everything and everyone. Thanks to what you did for me two years ago and still are doing for me today, I can now listen to this song, and enjoy it thoroughly, and feel happy, light, and hopeful. I just hope I’m helping return the favor, at least in some small way.
(Lighter, fluffier shit is on the horizon, I promise! More makeup and happy cute stuff, and my cats being dorks, and craft projects. Also, Vampire!)
This song would have destroyed me two years ago. Now, I don’t find it positive, per se, but…kind of. Positive in a “this *is* a mad world we’re in sometimes, but we’re in it together and I’m communicating that to you” kind of way. If that makes any sense. Anyway, I love this song, so I’m glad to be able to listen to it again. 🙂
Another of my favorite songs that would have broken me down in about two beats back then, but I can listen to and enjoy today. I heard it first in a mall when I was…twelve? fourteen? Just as I was passing through a department, and caught a snippet of it. And had been searching for it since – and found it two years ago. And it killed. I remember listening to it and the next song on repeat, the same weekend I finished Watchmen and Russia invaded Georgia, and just wondering how we’d managed not to kill ourselves out long ago. Now I can listen to it as social commentary, but without the “….we should really just end it all already…” part. (Oh, I’m so emo. Oh dear. Bleah.)
This song – two years ago, depressing; now, makes me want to bellydance. 😀
And then *this* is the song Harris Teeter seemed to have mercilessly put on repeat that summer. And now I listen to it and think of a brilliant Jack/Ianto fanvid that it was soundtrack for: