Really, the post title just sums up this whole blog, basically.
Why the fuck hasn’t it rained yet. UGH.
Dear left eyelid: How in the hell did I manage to get you stained pink for two days. WTF.
Dear goddamn uterus: Maybe if you’re not going to actually bleed, you could cut out the fucking cramping?
Turns out, I am not a fan of being lectured over the phone BY A COMPLETE STRANGER. Imagine that!
I’m also not a fan of complete strangers butting into my inoffensive personal conversations. The other day, I’m walking up to an elevator with Greg, and going over our grocery list for dinner to make sure we’ve got everything at home. And it was like the last sentence of that conversation, too – the whole “we can’t use the asparagus because a WEEK AGO it smelled like stinky feet, so you know it’s bad this week” bit was when there was still no one around us. So I’m wrapping up, basically, ending that train of thought, preparing to ride the elevator in more or less silence – and this woman who’s waiting for the elevator turns around all, “So, when’s dinner?” like she thinks she’s a comedian or something. UGH. Fuck off. But of course I can’t say that, so I mumble something about “as soon as it’s done cooking,” and my social phobia is having the screaming meemies, and she’s blathering on about…I think she was explaining why she butted into our conversation in the first place? Anyway, so we get in the elevator, and I’m doing what I always do: trying to be quiet and not look at anyone other than Greg. (Did I mention the social phobia? Also, I just don’t like people in general. Or maybe that’s not a separate thing, but another aspect of the social phobia? Since I *say* I don’t like people, but really, I tend to mean “people I don’t know.”) Anyway, I’m staring at the floor, the door, Greg, the ceiling – and this woman…She’s not talking, but it’s like she’s about to start talking, you know? Which of course I don’t want, and I’m already awkward because of the previous butting-in, but trying to cover it up by telling Greg something I just remembered – AND THEN GREG FARTS AUDIBLY. And proceeds to call attention to it, like we didn’t all just *hear* it loud and clear. And this woman says, “You guys!” but it sounds like she’s not offended, just laughing. And right after that, we reach our floor, and even though she’d been taking the elevator two floors higher, she gets out and takes the stairs the rest of the way. (And the fart didn’t even smell. I mean, come on. Everyone farts.) Anyway, that made me feel better. Like Greg had avenged me or something. Also, it was pretty damn funny. I love him!